Ah, footy fans, donchajustlove'em?

Park your brain at the turnstiles, put on one of those propeller caps, take an angry pill, find your seat - and you're all set. Now you can shout yourself stupid at anything that half-annoys you for the next three hours: the umpires, opposition players, your own players, little leaguers, Betfair odds on the scoreboard or the price of stadium hot dogs. Or all of the above. But mainly, of course, the umpires.

Having sat among the Essendon throng at Etihad Stadium on Saturday - as guest of a Bomber member - I was reminded of just how illogical, partisan, irrational, ill-tempered and downright silly supporters can be.

(I should say my footy experience these days often consists of catching a train to the ground - with my 13 year-old - paying general admission and then sitting as far away from anyone else as I can. Not because I'm anti-social (necessarily) but because it's the best way to watch a game unfold without having someone's foam-flecked spray land all over my Footy Record. And this is one of the few (untold) advantages of supporting a poor-drawing club like North Melbourne - all that space; all that peace and quiet. Bewdiful.)

Anyway, I digress. Back to the first tier of Etihad Stadium and Essendon v North Melbourne on Saturday.

It was a Bombers' home game so the bulk of the 42,000 crowd was of the black-and-red persuasion.

And the object of their ire quickly became the umpires - Donlon, Bowen and Nicholls. And, boy, were these three tweeters making themselves unpopular. The fans around me were working themselves up into a state of puce-faced apoplexy. (My host, though, was a model of restraint. The closest he came to joining the spleen-venting session was with a bemused look, half shake of the head, and barely audible sucking of teeth.)

While I'd concede North got a few more line-ball umpiring decisions than Essendon, it wasn't a ridiculously lop-sided count. I've seen much worse. In fact, I reckon the umps had a fair game. (Yeah, I know, but I would say that.) It just goes to show that bias, as well as beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

Even when North was penalised in the third quarter with one of those lineball 50s - a player on the mark moving half a step too close to the kicker - and the Bombers' Michael Hibberd goalled from the ensuing penalty, it didn't take long for the booing to ring out again. On this day, there was just no pleasing the hordes.

But, like anyone with a close club allegiance, I knew how they felt. Everyone's been there.

A month ago, I myself found myself in a similar, splenetic position when North lost to Sydney by a point after two crucial decisions went against North in the final minutes, a non-mark to Drew Petrie and then a push in the back against Brady Rawlings in front of goal. A five-point lead was suddenly transformed into a one-point defeat. Boy, did the cat cop it that night. (No, that was a joke; we don't own a cat.)

That match had come a week after North had controversially lost to Brisbane at the Gabba when Simon Black, under pressure, had thrown a basketball pass to a teammate - a bit like how Andrew Gaze might have got the ball to Mark Bradtke, say - the umpire had missed it, North players stopped, Brisbane continued, a goal resulted and the Lions kicked away in the last few minutes of the match.

I was ready then to join the conspiracy theorists and whingers - yep, everyone's got it in for North - having sworn ages ago never to demean myself by blaming the umpires for anything, other than taking themselves a little too seriously.

But since then, North have done well out of the men in green, getting a good run against both Adelaide and, of course, Essendon. So there was no conspiracy at all; it was just three blokes out there in matching t-shirts and socks doing their best - and, most of the time, getting it right.

That's how it works: it all evens out in the end. Or almost. (Which means we're due a horror run against Port this week.)

Yes, the arm-chopping free to the Roos' Ryan Bastinac in the dying minutes of the game was probably soft. But Essendon were the beneficiaries of a similar ruling earlier in the game.

Yes, Sam Wright got a dodgy in-the-back free early in the first quarter which might have been lucky, too. But the Bombers got four goals from free kicks or 50-metre penalties, as well.

Yes, Essendon was penalised for a deliberate out of bounds right in front of us, when a defender - with not many options to kick to upfield - sort of tried to kick to his skipper Jobe Watson, who was under pressure, on the wing. But, in kicking a top-spinner rather than the time-honoured drop punt, the defender (whose name escapes me) clearly only had one thing in mind: a kick into touch. The umpire made the correct call.

So my advice: take a thermos of chamomile tea to the ground and a yoga handbook. Do some deep-breathing exercises while you're waiting for play to restart after those interminable TV ad breaks. And when the umpire waves one of your players back 50 metres for some minor infraction, like having his shirt out or socks down, just sit back and smile serenely. You win some and you lose some.

It is all part of the game's rich tapestry, and it has ever been thus.