Now that I've buttered him up, here's how I'd like him to do his job. In eight easy lessons. Starting from the top:

1) Inject some speed, any speed, into the midfield. For years, the Kangas have had half a dozen Massey Fergusons churning through the centre square - Adam Simpson, Daniel Harris, Brady Rawlings, Andrew Swallow and Ed Lower among them. On big grounds, on dry tracks, they get found out time and time again. So recruit, or trade for, some speed. Please, as a priority.

2) Get Daniel Wells fit and, while you're at it, give Jesse Smith a massive overhaul - new spark plugs, pistons, crankshaft, the lot. And if he breaks down one more time, pack him off to the junkyard. Our patience has just about worn out. And when you've got Wells fit, and his mind right, stick him in the middle with Brent Harvey and Leigh Harding. That ought to spark the joint up a bit.

3) Tell David Hale, Hamish McIntosh and Corey Jones you love them. Go on, whisper it into their ears. They are boys that need a bit of TLC - not the lambasting that regularly used to come their way from your predecessor - and hopefully they will soon be cooing sweet nothings back at you.

4) Find one big, experienced body to hold down a key defensive post. From somewhere. It is unfair to ask Scott Thompson to hold down full-back, and Nathan Grima, Levi Greenwood, Scott McMahon and Lachie Hansen - who've played about 20 games between them - to take care of the other defensive positions. This is drafting priority No.2: a key backman.

5) Develop a game plan that does not revolve entirely around negating your upcoming opponent. No matter how good you are at that reactive style of coaching, it's no good for the players' development. They don't know from week to week what their roles are going to be. Develop your own style and flair, like Matthew Knights has at Essendon, and let other teams worry about you. Getting the ball down quickly to Hale, Lachie Hansen, Lindsay Thomas, Matt Campbell and Ben Warren has got to yield better results than the 10-goal borefests we were subject to this season.

6) Offload Aaron Edwards and Shannon Watt. And Hale if he has another dog of a season. (Todd Goldstein shapes as a readymade replacement.) That sounds ruthless but sorry - time's up, guys.

7) Teach Sam Power, Andrew Swallow and Brady Rawlings (although it might be a bit late for that now) to kick. At least Adam Simpson's gone now, so you won't have to watch his helicopter imitations from the coach's box.

8) Replace Brent Harvey as captain with Drew Petrie. For all his qualities as a player, Harvey is not captaincy material. He doesn't seem to enjoy it and his form has been patchy, at best, this year. Give the job to big Drewie and let Boomer do his thing, unencumbered by the leadership, in the engine room.

That should just about do it for the moment, Scotty. Hope that's of some help. But, listen, I'm only a phone call away. Just call the switchboard at TTD and they'll know where to find me.