Ten Things We Don't Want to See or Hear This Season

1. Traffic-Copping

This seems to be mandatory for anybody who has just kicked a behind: this person suddenly seems to take over the organisational duties of the forward-50 defence for the kick-in, waving their arms, pointing to players, calling out to team-mates and generally doing their best to look as if setting up the defence is their job. Stop it. Everyone knows what to do - the only reason they might be momentarily out of position is that they should have been getting into position for a bounce, had you not missed a simple goal.

2. Motioning players into position

Nathan Buckley, who started this, has a lot to answer for: the ball carrier now motions to his teammates with his hands, to tell them where to lead, in order for the delivery process to begin. Can it. Your teammates know where to go. They lead, then you deliver it to where they're headed. Players trying to direct their teammates in this fashion invariably aren't seeing potential interceptors of the kick, or potential tacklers.

3. Deliberate out-of-bounds

This is the worst rule on the statute book by a mile. Very dubious interpretations of it are given every game, but what makes it so stupid is that players are allowed to walk over the boundary line with the ball a hundred times a game - you can't get much more deliberate than that.

4. Commentator bias

We no longer have to listen on TV to Eddie's admirable - but ultimately almost self-parodying - determination to be professionally even-handed: remember how, if a team got a run on against the ‘Pies, he would inject excitement into his voice, and say something like "and it's another one, they're running away with this," when you just knew how much his guts were churning. But there are still tweaks we can make: like keeping Dennis Cometti away from non-Victorian teams, Robert Walls away from teams he played for or coached; and Bruce McAvaney away from Nic Naitanui.

5. Phrases gone to the graveyard of cliché

Please, let's not hear about a team having "come to play" or being "up and about." Sheesh. And while we're on this subject, Australian Rules football does not have a position, nor even a playing role, that will ever justify the use of the term "quarterback". Nor does it have a "post-season": it has finals.

6. Shrinking-violet umpires whose feelings get hurt

This almost decided a Grand Final. And he misunderstood the gesture! Enough said.

7. Geographical and sequential influences on free kicks

Where an offence occurs - for instance, in which 50 - should not govern whether a free kick is paid. Nor should what happened with the decision before that, and the one before that. They swear it does not: we're not stupid.

8. Travel excuses

Fans are sick of this. Flying for an hour or three in Australia is not an excuse for leaving all basic standards of accountability, intensity and execution skill at home. AFL has to grow up, here. Look at the nation's Super 14 Rugby teams: they have to play in the sleet in Dunedin, fly to Africa, play a game in heat at sea level and then in the chill of altitude or vice versa - and they're expected to win them all. Get over it! And furthermore - in AFL travel is always viewed through the prism of the poor, put-upon Victorian teams. No-one ever seems to ask how the real frequent flyers of the AFL handle it.

9. Gold Coast's jumper

There is still a year to go. For all of our sakes, send this abomination back to the drawing board. After all, it took Port Adelaide 12 years to get it right.

10. References to the WA "durr-by"

Just accept it, boys and girls, you got it wrong - as if the Group 1 horse races, the English soccer and cricket team and the actual usage you're copying (as in English soccer games between local rivals) didn't exist. It's funny how words in English can sound differently to how they look, isn't it? Repeat after me: it's "dar-by". Yes, I know the Americans pronounce it the way you do, but that's their excuse: they're Americans. We're not.