During a Secret Policeman's Ball charity concert in the late '70s, the legendary British comedian John Cleese once referred to the urine samples of major celebrities and how they were considered to be of "national importance."

Pardon the pun, but at least he was taking the piss.

Down here in "AFL-world" (aka Victoria) we look at the paparazzi "out-and-about" pages to see which places the players have been seen at, what they were wearing and who they have gone there with.

If a relationship gets serious enough to lead to a nuptial, the front of the Sunday newspaper either shows the wedding photo, or shows the security not allowing the loving snaps to be taken due to "a paid women's mag deal."

If an assistant coach puts his old house on the market, it is of course reported in the real estate pages, while Jono Brown's tips for the dish-lickers are a regular feature of the greyhound section.

And we actually read it!

But surely, SURELY, in the past month we reached the tipping point in regards to what we are interested in because in a nutshell, the controversial story has been ... players will now fly interstate on red planes instead of white ones.

The AFL Players' Association "raised a series of concerns" about the switch from Qantas to Virgin Blue, Hawthorn president Jeff Kennett said "it wasn't always about bloody money", and the West Coast Eagles claimed that their two tallest players might have to stand on interstate flights.

Those who reside north of the Murray River might struggle to believe this actual opening paragraph from an Age article on January 12:

THE AFL's decision to drop Qantas and sign with Virgin Blue as the league's official airline carrier could increase the risk of players contracting deep vein thrombosis, according to a leading sports physician.

Seriously ... does anyone else recall Andre Agassi's comment about how Yevgeny Kafelnikov should go and buy himself some perspective? 

******

THE RACQUET game is such fun in Melbourne-town during the Australian Open as far as the media is concerned, mainly because tennis is the easiest sport in the world to cover when you have no idea about what you're watching. Unless you:

1) Have got an official media guide.

2) Know how to totally bluff your way with statistics.

So, with the odd exception, you'll generally get your radio reports from Melbourne Park by either a bitter journeyman who was forced to work through the Christmas/New Year period, or a totally unprepared-straight-from-the-beach-house footy nut waiting for the pre-season matches to start.

They'll be using a template along the lines of:

With predictable ease/In a shock defeat, the world's (insert number) seed, (Insert highest profile player's name competing) this afternoon/evening, advanced to the (insert round)/was bundled out from the tournament after an easy victory/titanic struggle/gallant defeat/disappointing loss, to little known/crowd favourite/comeback kid (seed and name.)

He/she now meets, (insert next opponent) for the (look up media guide to see how many times they've played each other) time, in what promises/threatens to be a fiery encounter/tight tussle/mismatch.

I'm (Insert your own name) covering the Australian Open, thanks to (insert the radio station's segment sponsor.) 

******

IN CONTRAST to tennis, horseracing is not a pastime that can be easily bluffed through.

The coiffure head-wobbling TV host that once asked a trainer if his Derby winner was a chance of returning the following year to "go back-to-back" has gone down in folklore as one of the great gaffe's of Australian sports telecasting history. (For those not paid to professionally host an iconic sporting coverage and don't follow the Sport of Kings, Derby runners are restricted to three-year-olds only.)

Memorably, the same gentleman was told that there wasn't much chance of "little Cup winners one day gracing the turf," as the nag he was referring to was a gelding.

In total contrast, none of the on-air talent involved in Channel Nine's Magic Millions Day last Saturday could be accused of not knowing what they were talking about.

Simon O'Donnell, Wayne Harris, Emma Freedman, Anthony Mithen, Claire Bird and Jason Richardson are all either full-time in the racing industry, or have enough skin in the game to have their thoughts and opinions respected, but they didn't take into account who would have been watching their broadcast enough of the time.

Quite simply if you were vitally interested in the sport and the punt, you would have been watching either of the industry's pay-TV Channels TVN or Sky Racing, meaning that those flicking on to the coverage were somewhere between "spring carnival" punters, and/or those curious to see how the Gold Coast managed to put on a major event so soon after the south-eastern Queensland flood tragedy.

All too often, the contributors would lapse into "racing speak" such as "weight can stop a train" and references to track conditions and tempo, without explaining the how's and why's, meaning those not across the lingo - in this case most of their audience - at best would have failed to gain an insight into the sport.

The lack of pre-produced pieces can be totally forgiven due to what would have been a ridiculously tough week for anyone working in television, but using a format and style from the pre-pay TV mid '80s wasn't good enough for the viewers nor the sponsors involved. 

*****

ACTUAL FACEBOOK entry from the 18th January, purporting to PROMOTE women's cricket:

CRICKET AUSTRALIA

Sitting at home with not much on this afternoon (or at work!)? Tune into ABC TV at 3pm to catch the final Women's Twenty20 International between the Commonwealth Bank Southern Stars and England.

There's not much we can add to that! 

"Racetrack" Ralphy Horowitz is a former producer at "The Footy Show" "Sunday Footy Show" 3AW and SEN, and now works full-time in horseracing. Twitter.com/rtralphy