Usually I can feign neutrality with the best of them.

But in this World Cup rugby tournament I am not Switzerland. I'm so fearful of a group of unworthies taking the glory I can barely concede there is a team other than the Wallabies with the ability to catch, kick, pass and run the ball.

I'm paralysed by myopia, so I took the unusual, yet scientifically sound step of being hypnotised in an effort to honestly canvas all World Cup expectations - good and bad.

Listening back to the recordings of those sessions, under the spell of highly regarded, unqualified, hypnotist Paddy O'Brien (he says he used to be a ref) it's disturbing how generous I am towards the hated opposition.

It's hard to believe it's me complimenting the English, lauding the Irish, speaking French: "Australie ... hahahaha. Je vous mordrai"; quoting Peter de Villiers and laughing at his jokes, and expressing an unhealthy admiration for the All Blacks. But it's me, I recognised my voice through the tears stimulated by induced memories of a couple of those Christian Brothers - though that‘s for another column.

Here's an edited transcript of the spooky Q&As. I'll leave out the "you are in a deep trance" part.

Q: Who do you think will win the World Cup?

A: New Zealand. (Sounds of things being thrown around the room; screaming).

Q: Why? Don't you think Australia can win it all?

A: (Heavy breathing) Yes, I do, I truly do. But New Zealand is a beautifully rounded side with unequalled squad depth, playing on home soil. If they make the final the Wallabies will have to play out of their skin to trump them at rainy Eden Park, where Australia hasn't won in more than a quarter of a century.

Q: What do the Australians have to do to win?

A: Back themselves and match physicality with bald-faced brawn. Play an aggressive and expansive game. Compete up front, commit to the breakdown in numbers and trust their defensive structures. Limit defensive kicking and make sure booting the ball has a possible offensive outcome. Take chances on the counter and convert their goal opportunities.

Q: Well that covers just about everything ... (aside) talk about stating the obvious.

A: (Yelling) What did you say?

Q: Can we chat about your childhood?

A: No. (Muttering)

Q: Are the All Blacks and Wallabies the only teams that realistically can win it?

A: No of course not. South Africa, France and England have a great shot, while Ireland could spoil it for Australia; and Wales and Samoa could pull down South Africa's pants in pool play.

Q: Talk about the strengths and weaknesses of the other main contenders, but don't go on for too long because I charge a bucketload per-hour. Let's start with the English.

A: They have a deep talent pool. I think this squad is better than the 2003 World Cup winners, but they have a questionable backrow balance and the inspirational coach is firing them up to play a game that was state of the art in 2001. They are a one trick pony, though dangerous, especially if they get their 9-10 combination firing and the refs get behind them. Manu Tuilagi is a great selection for the midfield. Tournament play suits them.

Q: The French?

A: The Kiwis won't admit this, they don't admit much actually, including their latent desire for a shared currency with Oz, but the French are a major stumbling block. Not only do they have a squad capable of topping any team, they are the only northern hemisphere side to regularly squeeze the All Blacks and they share the same pool here. They are thoroughly good, awfully unpredictable and looked settled as a team in the leadup games.

Q: The Irish?

A: They were disappointing in the World Cup warm ups, but some of their worst was against a good French side. They seem to battle to know what style of game to play. If they decide to play at pace through the breakdown and chance their arm as they did against the Poms in the best Six Nations performance of the last tournament, they'll go close to beating everyone -- including the Aussies, who they can niggle. Hope, for their sake, they play Sexton not O'Gara ... If they get a few injuries, forget about it.

Q: The Springboks?

A: So much depth and they know what they want to do everytime they take the field, but I don't think that's got much to do with the coach. They play a tight pattern and basically are navigated by senior players. That's good enough to beat 95 percent of sides -- maybe the dice will role their way. They'll need it against New Zealand/Australia.

Q: What about the other teams? Argentina for example.

A: I‘d love the Argies to perform all the time but they are limited. The only reason they did so well in 2007 (finishing 3rd) was because it was a really crap tournament dominated by referees, play-safe tactics and general mediocrity.

Q: Why won't that happen again, and why are you such a unqualified critic of referees?

A: It won't happen on such an extensive scale because of the subsequent rules tweaks and the brief onset of sanity in the rugby community as the game again peered over the precipice. Refs are just doing what they have to do, but the maintenance of a ‘school master' approach to running games persists and is conspicuously rewarded by the International Rugby Board.

Q: What do you mean, you snivelling brat?

A: The most revered refs tend to be the most domineering in the worst sense of the word. They follow their own momentum (I'm annoyed .. angry .. angrier) and they start adjudicating one side more than the other. It changes games dramatically. Making mistakes is one thing: altering the tone of games is unforgivable, but apparently encouraged ... still.

Q: Right, so referees will be to blame should your team lose?

A: Probably not. Good teams often overcome that disability, but it shouldn't come down to that. Australia has two momentum referees, Alain Rolland (against Italy) and Bryce Lawrence (against Ireland) in their two crucial pool games. At least they avoided Jonathan Kaplan.

Q: Idiot.

A: (Snoring)

Q: The fringe teams: Russia, Namibia, the United States and the like, what can we expect of them?

A: More than usual. They won't shock the big guns, but their tournament within a tournament is fascinating. Canada is well coached, the Japanese are exciting and the US manful. It would be wonderful to see a Pacific Island side perform: Samoa is the most talented and could scare Wales.

Q: Looking at the Wallabies' draw, what do they need to prepare for?

A: Two toughies up front. The Italians will be rugged in the forwards and they always give the Wallabies trouble when the Australians try to attack too early or go wide without getting on the front foot through the phases. Coach Robbie Deans will want his charges to open the tournament with a clinical display. Ireland is next and that could be a huge test, especially if the Wallabies start to second guess themselves.

Q: What are some of the Australians' potential failings?

A: The lack of a second fetcher in the squad to back up David Pocock. Coach Deans has taken a risk - realising he needs power forwards (a traditional Wallabies' weakness) he's opted to take big blokes with angry skills over not quite as big blokes with scavenging skills (Matt Hodgson). Also, Matt Giteau's omission is dumb, on face value at least. He's apparently disruptive, but he's still a potential, match-winning shyster on the field and can cover every position in the backline.

Q: Do you think this will be a successful tournament for New Zealand, in terms of event logistics?

A: Initially, I thought they should have given the event to Japan in order to expand the game, but it's pretty clear now, this is possibly the last time NZ will get to host this tourny alone. There is no better rugby haven, no better bunch of rugby people and few places in the world that can match the genuineness and quality of the hospitality and level of rugby discourse, despite their lack of vowels.

Q: Who will be the player of the tournament?

A: If NZ wins, Dan Carter. If it's Australia, you've got to figure David Pocock and Quade Cooper have been at it. South Africa: it'll be one of the veteran forwards or perhaps Pat Lambie if he gets game time. No better talent. If England or France win I don't care. (I was coming to by this stage).

''OK,'' says Paddy, ''on my count the tournament will commence. You will be as lucid and  bigoted as ever.''

''So, ready: Crouch ... pause ... engage.''